Decisions, Decisions

I’ve had to deal with a lot of stressful decisions lately. And i’ve realized something. The stress that is inherent in the big decisions, the ones that really matter, can completely pervade every single corner of life. It makes even the small decisions, like what socks to wear, seem like they matter more. Very recently, i discovered that an activity that i loved, that i have done since 6th grade, simply… wasn’t enjoyable anymore. I have been very competitive in policy debate for three and a half years, but there is an element of love for the community and the mental processes native to the activity, that i simply do not see anymore.

Most of my best friends made this decision last year. We splintered off into our respective different schools, into our respective extracurriculars beyond debate. Some went to robotics. some went to academics. I went to sports. However, i also stuck with debate for this year. I’m glad i did- i’ve learned some things about myself that i didn’t know were there for me to learn. But i am growing tired of constantly asking myself whether or not i am doing too much. i am tired of having to choose whether to go to debate or to sports practice.

i no longer have time to read for pleasure.

i will miss debate. But i will stay connected with the community that made me fall in love with it in the first place: the middle school AUDL. No door closes forever, and i WILL come back and be one of the volunteers that i always looked up to and relied on for things to run smoothly. I will appreciate what i have. And i will deal with the decisions after this one by one, when i can. Maybe i will still be taking on too much. I know i will still make mistakes and blunders. But maybe there will be less stress in my life. And if i am no longer making the BIG decisions constantly, maybe i will understand that the little decisions don’t deserve the stress i give to them.

I’ll still make decisions. They’ll still be important. and the knowledge and skills I’ve picked up in debate will never leave me. they will just be rearranged, shifted to different sections of my clump of gray matter in my skull, so that i can put them to different use. This is not yet good bye. But it is a letter of good wishes to anyone who makes these decisions daily. Whoever might be reading, i wish you well in any decisions that matter to you.

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